the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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