I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
