it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
