so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
