Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
