i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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