Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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