Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
