I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
