Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
