I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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