I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
