sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
