I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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