Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
