haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
