Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
