So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize