he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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