i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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