Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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