dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
