I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
