my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
