I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
