I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
no, he came in my armpit
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
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