Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
