I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
