i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
