he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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