she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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