you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
