He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
