Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
