You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
