Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
