i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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