i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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