How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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