I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize