508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
