I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
