I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
