I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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