I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
