i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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