theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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