then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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