I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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