I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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