We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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