Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Just puked most of my soul out..
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
