Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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