Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
