Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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