i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
