The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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